Today: May 27 , 2020

Lipstick and Legos – How to Survive Valentine’s Day

26 February 2017   Holli Maurer

Valentine’s Day: Not for cynical, single women.

In retrospect, I should have prepared myself and written this in December or January. Valentine’s Day is one of those gut wrenching, heart aching, suffocating days that I can’t breathe on. This year didn’t disappoint – not one bit. File this away ladies and please use this next year. Now that I’m a bitter old cat owner cynical, single woman, I am aptly qualified to write this blog for you.

  1. Obtain wine from your nearest store. You’ll need two bottles. Side note: please purchase before the actual Valentine’s Day OR wear a wedding band during said purchase. Why? Because a single girl buying two bottles of wine on Valentine’s Day? You may as well walk in naked and expect the same amount of gawking and laughter.
  2. Go home and watch the Notebook, Safe Haven, or any other equally as horrific love story by Nicholas Sparks on Netflix.
  3. Wine.
  4. “Vaguebook” on Facebook. That’s right. Post something that is a teaser to everyone that knows you just to try to grasp at attention on this fine night. I think my status on Valentine’s Day was a picture of a broken heart, and a picture of a hand. Why? You never know. I got at least 15 likes. Bam!
  5. Open your “memory box” of all your ex’s. Find all the things reminding you of your dumb exes and toss them into garbage bags. You don’t need them.
  6. Text all your single friends (all two of them) and wish them a happy Valentine’s Day and let them know you’re thinking of them. Prepare yourself for the responses that encourage empowering women to be independent and strong in our “chosen” lifestyle.
  7. Wine.
  8. Get on Pinterest (it’s still acting drunk anyway) and search for quotes on being strong, being independent, Ryan Gosling, the Notebook, women empowering women.
  9. Get on Facebook and look at all the great updates about how everyone loves everyone. Download the “temporary Facebook photo” to surround yourself with hearts, as if you give one ounce of thought to this day. Scroll through everyone’s status updates until you literally want to throat punch all your friends. Unfriend the majority of your “friends.”
  10. Open your second bottle of wine.
  11. Get on the local humane society page and start searching for adoptable kittens; and end with the “geriatric” cats who are free because no one loves them. Sob as you plow through an entire box of Kleenex. Why? The old cats.
  12. Exercise. Get up from the couch and maneuver all around the house looking for more Kleenex until you find some.
  13. This year on my Valentine’s Day, I received a text from a single man. A single man! The text read, and you guys – sit down for this one, “I’m thinking of you and I have your laundry in the dryer. It reminded me of what we did on them. Do you want me to drop them off at the house at 9:30 or sooner so you have time to put them on?”
  14. Ponder this text and down another glass of wine. I don’t recall ever being to this man’s house, like ever. When did I do something unmentionable on laundry?
  15. Screen shot the text and start interrupting everyone’s Valentine’s Day for this obnoxious news.
  16. Anxiously await the lovely excuse from single man who has been attempting to hit on you for weeks. Screen shot THAT answer and again interrupt everyone’s dinners.
  17. Download and register for online dating websites.
  18. Take selfies with snapchat filters and when you finally find one you like, make it your dating profile picture.
  19. Receive response from single man and block his number.
  20. Drink wine, more wine and more wine.
  21. Realize that this will be every Valentine’s Day from here on out because the dating websites are not promising in the least. Last you checked you had all your teeth and weren’t on drugs and you have a college degree, unlike the majority of these men.
  22. Research geriatric cat food brands.
  23. Ladies: this is where you need to relocate your phone to another room of the house, preferably somewhere that you’ll never remember. BUT! Turn your ringer on high. Why? Because tomorrow morning someone will eventually call you to make sure that you’re alive after today’s stellar performance on social media, and you will be able to locate said phone after you wake up. You must relocate your phone at this time to prevent you from texting your horrible exes. Why? Because you will.

Single ladies: we WILL survive this day. We will. I promise you. Please preventatively Pinterest how to stay strong and make those words your mantra today, and every day following. Do yourself a favor next year and unplug your Roku before you drink the wine. Don’t start taking an interest in Nicholas Sparks on this night; just don’t. It’s 24 hours that we need to push through. You will be ok; invest your money in a little heart shaped box of chocolates, sip your wine and pet your new elderly cat. Tomorrow is a new day and you can start waiting for all the “happy” couples to get back to normal, and your temporary Facebook profile pic of hearts will go away. Hang tough.